Destiny

I often wonder about destiny. They tell me I am destined for greatness. I can end the war. I am special. I am Clieto’s gift. I am confused by their hype because the men in the carriage called me a curse. They say people died because of me, that I should have died in that fire. It would make everyone safer. I tell myself they said that to justify their actions. They did it because they knew dropping me off here was wrong. But, there is so much about before the fire that I can’t remember. How can I argue with them? But, what am I? Am I a special weapon meant to save the country? Or am I a curse that should be disposed of? They talk of destiny a lot here. We are soldiers. We are destined to serve and fight for our country. They never mention the other destiny. We are destined to die for our country as well. The soldiers accept Captain’s rants of destiny and fight. They whoop and holler at him. They talk at dinner of wanting to be on the battlefield. But there is a big difference between us. They chose to be here. I did not.

Can we choose our destiny? If so, what if I just want to be a girl? What if I want to live in a small town? Maybe not Atlas. I don’t think I can ever go back there. Not after they let Menelaus kill my parents. But I can move to another small town. Live alone and never bother anyone. I find myself straying after evening weaponry lessons, looking at Captain…wanting to beg him. I promise not to hurt anyone. I promise I will be a good girl. If they would just let me go, I promise I will never be a problem again. I don’t know if I killed all those people like the carriage men said. I can’t remember. But I won’t do it again if I did. I promise to never kill, to never transform. If they will just let me go.

But I don’t think we can choose our destiny. I think it is chosen for us. And mine is this. I don’t know why. I don’t think I am worthy. But, Captain tells me I can save the country. Captain says I can save lives. Maybe if I do, they’ll let me go. Maybe they will let me live alone and choose my destiny. But, I’m scared of war. I’m scared to die.

I have to go. Zeno dusted my clothes with some sort of powder and now I have a rash down my back. Doctor told me to come see him before curfew. I am still trying to figure out my retaliation. Maybe the universe is right. Maybe this is my destiny. Maybe I was born for this.