The Harvest Supper

We had grand feasts back home. I lose track of the days here, but the weather feels about right. About this time every year the farmers would make their harvest in Amphitrite. Bundles upon bundles of food were collected. The city would save food for the winter. And then there was the ration sent across the prairies to Government Island. But after all was divided, there was always extra for a feast.

Atlas was good at nothing else, no special trade or reason to boast. But they knew how to celebrate. I remember that. The Harvest Supper was the one event my father would take me to. I would walk in between them, one hand clasped with my dad and one with my mom. There was a bounce to their steps. I remember the laughter. People wouldn’t look at me funny. They wouldn’t whisper. One year, a young man gave me a cloth bunny he had won at some armature archery competition. It was stuffed with feathers, buttons for eyes. I held it tight, grinning the entire night.

Torches lined the sidewalks, lighting the streets. The townspeople gathered so many tables, lining them down the street. One big table, multicolored with tablecloths pulled from storage, saved for this gathering. The women scattered fall leaves across the surface and the best plates were dug out of boxes. The men had spent the previous weekend hunting game. Then, all day, the women gathered and cooked. My mom would always help them make the side dishes and bread. I knead some dough, too. They said I was a good kitchen helper. The men swapped stories from the year. The children played hide-and-go-seek. On the windy years, they flew kites.

Then, as Helios began to set, the food sat steaming on the tabletops. Everyone stood around, hand in hand, thanking Clieto for her good graces on that year’s harvest. Then we ate and ate and ate. I used to think I had to eat the most on that night, like it would help hold me in the dead of winter when rations were small. I have since learned the stupidity of such a thought. I loved those days, when rivalries were forgotten and the people gathered.

We didn’t go last year. My father said something about the town requesting our absence. I think he meant my absence. He tried to recreate the gathering at our house, making a small meal for us. But it wasn’t the same. He tried, but it just didn’t feel right. They died four months later…in a fire. The town didn’t set it, but they might as well have. We should have gone to the dinner. We shouldn’t have let them exclude us, made us exiles. We should have remained a part of the city. Things might have been different then.

Captain served a game turkey for dinner tonight. I remembered the harvest. I remembered when my family was alive. And then I left for my room and cried.

Fall Soups and Fireplaces

I can feel fall in the air. It’s different here. Back home, fall came with a crisp shift in the wind. It wound down the cliffs, bringing with it thoughts of the arctic. I still remember the cold needles that pricked my skin when it came. On many levels, it felt like jumping into ice water. Breaks in the breeze brought the warmth of Helios’ rays, reminding me that winter had not yet arrived. Then the wind returned, bringing a thinner air. With it, came the sound of rustling leaves. We mainly had pines, but somehow the trees spoke more in the winter. Fireplaces were lit, burning wood perfuming the valley. It was death before the brightness of snow.

It’s different here. I can hear the waves crashing more, promising to bring winter storms shortly. I can still hear the rustling of leaves. I hear that more on this island. The wind brings with it a spritzing of water. It settles on my pores, chilling me in a new way. I still smell the burning of wood in fireplaces, but it’s not sweet like pines. It’s deeper, darker, reminding me that this is not where I belong.

My winter coat has begun to grow. With my clothes as ratty as they are, I find myself welcoming the opportunity to transform. It protects me from the wind, blocking any gust from reaching my skin. Layers upon layers sheltering me. I love the feel, like a fuzzy blanket covering my body, but allowing me still to move freely. I love my coat. Pure white. It’s harder at camp to keep it clean. Many nights, I return with a greyish coat instead. But it is still mine. Do I stand out? Probably. But it doesn’t matter. They see me for only a second before I attack. It’s a challenge, but I would not give it up. White is pure. I have a coat that reflects purity. I like that.

One thing I enjoy about the change of seasons here…Cook has begun making more soups. The boys complain it’s not as filling, that the only reason they make soups is to save costs. I find the soups and stews comforting. They warm me from the core outside, providing a furnace inside against the chill. It is the one comfort that doesn’t remind me of home. Not to mention I’ve made friends with the kitchen hand. He’s a boy about my age; charcoal black hair with striking blue eyes. Xenophanes is his name, but I call him Xeno. He thinks my wolf form is neat. So, if I’m careful, I can sneak to the kitchen just before curfew and he’ll give me an extra ration. He’ll tell me about the drama in the kitchen and I find myself laughing. Hopefully the change in the weather has brought a new change to my existence here. If so, I can see myself liking camp…well, maybe I shouldn’t go that far. But I can tolerate it, at least.

The Dream...or Memory?

I had a dream last night. It was so vivid, so real. It has me afraid to fall asleep tonight. I don’t want to revisit it. I don’t want to think about it. But it haunts me. I’m going to tell you, okay. I’m going to write it down and hope it goes away.

I was in a field. It looked like the ones back home. Pine trees towered above me, blocking the sky. Through patches, I could see the blue, but clouds were starting to cover. I could feel the chill against my skin. A storm was coming. I could smell it, the fresh smell of water that hovered in the air, threatening to drop the temperature. I had been walking a long time. I had been daydreaming. I was miles from home. I had to get back.

I don’t remember what happened after that. The next thing, I was standing, soaked. The rain trickled down on me, kissing my face, dripping from my chin. The woods surrounded me. I normally felt safe in them, not today. They confined me. I was overcome by bark and pine. It threatened to tell. It threatened to fall away and reveal me. But not just me. My hands shook as I looked at the body lying before me. Dead. I have seen dead bodies before. My dad never knew that. He thought I was a kid. He thought I was sheltered from such things in the world. But I wasn’t. My first time seeing a body, I snuck up to the doctor’s office with a friend, but I still can’t picture who. We peered inside. The man was naked on the operating table, chest spread open for the autopsy. I remember the eyes, vacant, clouded. These eyes were not the same. Vacant, yes, but still held the fear.

The rain had dampened the boy’s hair, glistened his button nose. I counted myself lucky. The rain had cleaned what must have been a mess. The scratches and tears in his skin were washed clean, leaving behind raw wounds. I looked down at my trembling hands. I trembled from the cold…it had to be from the cold. I had done nothing wrong. I had just found him. But there was something in my stomach. I could still feel it. The summersaults, the twists. I knew something about this scene. Somehow. I searched all day, but couldn’t remember the gap in my dream. I didn’t do that to him. It looked like teeth marks, but they weren’t mine. It couldn’t be mine. But maybe. The boy was my age. So young.

Why did I dream this? Maybe because I know I’ll have to kill on the battlefield. But it felt so real…like it was real. Like it was a memory. But I’ve never killed anyone. I don’t remember killing anyone. But his eyes stay in my vision. Their terror, their stare. I don’t think I can forget them. What did it all mean?