The Smell of Fear

How does someone live as a wolf without becoming an animal? I have often wondered this in the dead of night, when sleep fails and the night is silent. I love the life of a wolf. Back at home, I knew the woods better than my own house. I knew the pattern of the bark against the sky. I knew the folds of the land and the curves of the rivers. One glance at my surrounding and I could give my exact location from town, down to the last measured millimeter. Better than sight, I love the smells of home. I could be half a day away, and still pick up the wholesome brewing of mom’s stew. I long for the feel of fall air sifting through my fur, like Clieto’s soft hands running down my back.

The smells and sights are different here. This little island is practically void of trees, although there are a few still surrounding the beaches. I can hear the tide at night. It took one time mentioning how the stormy waters kept me up at night—one subsequent eye roll—to realize no one else heard the sound…and believed I hadn’t either. This island reeks with the smell of fear. Fear cast an interesting smell. Almost like wild dandelions soaked in vinegar. That contrast of sweet and bitter is unforgettable. I smell it a lot on the boys. They are scared. It seeps in their sweat as they practice combat skills. It saturates the room when we learn battle strategies and discuss the army’s current movements in the war. It permeates the most when Captain makes me hunt them. They are easy marks in these exercises. It’s another excuse for them to hate me, which would be worth it if I was challenged. But, I wonder if the cost of this practice is too high.

My wolf form is no longer relaxing. It is a means to an end. It is a weapon for their battle. I can never transform unless there is a mission behind it. Sometimes I think Captain worries about my transformation. He is training a killer animal. He is training a weapon of death. He should be worried about harnessing such a trait. It all makes me question....can I be a wolf and still be human? When I roam as a wolf, I sometimes feel it inside me. I feel different. I feel instincts I never feel when on two legs. Should I be worried like Captain? Should I not like being in wolf form? Will it ultimately change me into an animal…into a curse?

Zeno does not smell like fear. He does not look away from me when he sees my fur. That is when I can smell my own fear start to seep.